


Even When I'm Gone

by Bates



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Asexuality, Cancer, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn, alternative universe, and not vividly written, asexual!gabriel, but at the end, for as far as that's possible in such a short fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 16:25:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3817105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/Bates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel is nearing the end of his days, cancer having eaten its way through his body. Sam is there for him through it all, though maybe not as a friend, the way he pretends to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even When I'm Gone

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for [angel's radio](http://angels-radio.livejournal.com/). It was posted on there anonymous before, but considering the fact that the teams and writings have finally been revealed, I can post it online! Hope you enjoy.

**WHEN I’M GONE…**

 

So send me off with _your love_ ,

I'll fly like a dove into the sunset

of my teenage adolescence

and if you're _ever_ feeling alone

know that I'll never forget you

_even when I'm gone._

[**QUIETDRIVE**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3twtKt0pPQ); EVEN WHEN I’M GONE

 

Gabriel wasn’t afraid, not really. Honestly, he was…relieved? It seemed so incredibly morbid, to be relieved about nearing your end. He was though, relieved. No more needles, no more pain medication, no more chemo, no more radiation, no more being bald, no more _nothing_.

After all, there was so little that he had left to live for. Most of his friends left when they heard that he had cancer and the ones that remained, they were better off without him. It wasn’t like they spend that much time with him anyway. They hung out perhaps twice a year?

There was Sam…his Sasquatch, his, he didn’t even know what to call Sam. He had always been a very good friend for him, before his diagnosis and after. When everybody turned his back on him, he was there. It was Sam that made him realize that he perhaps could be _anything_ other than straight.

And realizing that he perhaps wasn’t straight was only the start to all of it. He owed Sam for making him realize that yes, he _wasn’t_ broken for not having sex; it was okay. He remembered the first time he called Sam with tears in his eyes because of it and how calm Sam had been; how he had just said it was okay, that he wasn’t broken. It didn’t take away all the sadness, but hearing it from somebody so dear to him, it helped; it helped him accept himself.

Sam even dug deeper, send him the link to AVEN and told him to look at the side, see if it helped him find something that suited him.

Gabriel was good; he had been in a decent shape for a little while now. The doctors said they should be happy about it; he could be in pain while waiting until his cancer finally caught up to him, but instead he was in a better shape than during chemo. At least he stayed at home.

In agreement with the doctors, they had decided to keep him at home until they had no choice but to hospitalize him. One day, a regular oxygen concentrator wouldn’t help him through rough patches, he’d need more. The regular meds wouldn’t be enough. Gabriel _knew_ the day was creeping up on him; one day his body would say ‘ _nope, I’ve had enough’_ and start giving up on him. All he hoped was that it was still a little while.

“Sammy? Are you awake?” Sam had stayed over that night. His father was away for work and his brother had decided to go ahead and spend some time with his friends. Gabe had felt bad with Sam being at home all alone, so he did the only thing that every _decent_ friend could do, ask him to stay over.

And he was doing quite well, so he thought that he deserved to have a little bit distraction. That, and Sam hadn’t been having too good a time at home. John, his father, had been coming home drunk again after years of being sober. Dean, his brother tried to get him back in order, but all it did was cause more fights. That, and the fact that he had been alone? Not a good combination. Not at all in fact.

It was all Gabriel _could_ do for Sam and it was so little. Too little. He wanted to help his best friend the way that Sam was there for him, but he couldn’t, and it sucked. 

“Yeah, I’m up,” Sam whispered back, sitting up on his bed. “I didn’t really sleep. Something wrong? You hurting?” It was an automatic reaction now, asking if everything was okay. Ever since Sam had seen him break down in front of him _once_ , he had been extra cautious, paid more attention to everything he did.

“No, I’m…okay.” Okay wasn’t the right word for it, because he honestly wasn’t. The headache was returning and it was making him feel _awful,_ his thoughts were spinning out of control and he was just trying to stop them. Okay wasn’t the word for it at all, but he couldn’t tell Sam. Having him deal with the whole cancer thing was bad enough already and he still had to tell him what the doctor had said the previous appointment. “Just can’t sleep. What’s bothering you Sasquatch?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Speak up. Nobody’s judging here.” He was the last person to judge after all, with all the times they’d spend together with him crying his eyes out. “What’s wrong?”

“School’s been crazy,” he eventually admitted, “so I’ve been studying downstairs a lot.” Even from halfway across the room, Gabriel heard him scooting around and fussing. “You know I study better when I’m downstairs, but today, I don’t know, I heard them argue. Dean and dad. I’m used to it mostly but… It got to me.”

“What where they arguing about?”

“Money. Dad’s been drinking away all our money. Dean works his ass off but it’s not enough. Mom is mainy paying for our school but the part that dad has to pay, it isn’t getting paid. Mom’s getting suspicious.”

“Why don’t you just tell her Sammy?” He didn’t answer, Sam never did. The Winchesters had this weird pride about getting by on their own, especially Dean and John. “She’ll find out and she’ll be angry with you for not telling her.”

“I know.”

The next few days passed by in silence. Sam went home again and things were better. John was away for work most of the time and Sam spend days alone. Gabriel knew that it broke Sam sometimes, but it was something. There was less fighting and it helped. He seemed happier when he visited and that was a start. Gabriel still hadn’t told Sam that the doctors thought that he was dying _sooner_ rather than later and damn, if he wasn’t getting more nervous about telling it more each day.

“You’re going to have to tell him one day,” his brother sighed at the breakfast table. Or well, breakfast. He had slept away most of the day after the horrible headache of the last week. He told himself that it was the reason, but part of him _knew_ that his body just started needing more sleep again. It scared the crap out of him. He was okay with dying, it would end this all. It wasn’t what he was afraid of either, weird as it may be. He was terrified of what came after.

People would forget about him. No matter how much Gabriel wanted to say that he wasn’t egocentric, he was. He wanted to be known or at least cared about, he wanted to be remembered after he was gone. People would forget about him, they would miss him sure, but they’d get over the loss.

Even Sammy, no _especially_ Sammy would get over the loss. He could finally ask that girl out he’d been looking at. He would do all those things that he always wanted to do and Gabriel wouldn’t be there for any of it. He wouldn’t be there to see his friend become an adult and well, _it hurt_. Like hell.

“I know,” Gabriel sighed over his cup of chocolate milk, the only thing his stomach seemed to be able to handle at the moment. “I just, I don’t know _how_ and if I should.” He didn’t finish the sentence, knowing that his brother would laugh at him for saying those words. He’d say that he was being a girl.

“What _can_ he do?” Lucifer was clearly more than done with his teenage brother. “Gabriel, for somebody that mature, you can be a baby sometimes.” He put down his cup of coffee and looked Gabriel right in the eyes. “That kid _likes_ you and you are either going to do something about while you still can or you are going to ignore it until you pass away. I’m sorry, I know it’s harsh, but that is it. You got those few weeks left, either make something of them or do nothing.”

He was admitted to the hospital two days later with a 103F fever and even more headaches. He was in the ICU for three days until they had a bed for him. It’s where they told him that he was dying sooner rather than later. Not like before, _no_ , he had known before. His due date had just come closer.

Before, they already told him that he would pass away sooner than he expected. Back then, they’d given him months. Now, they only gave him a few more weeks depending on how lucky he was. The doctors said that he could have good days, bad days. It all depended on how he’d pull through.

Truth came too close to him and he got scared, scared as hell even. Gabriel put on a brave face for the others and most of them believed him though he didn’t see why people didn’t see through the lie. It was so obvious. He was so obviously getting worse.

Worst of it was, he still hadn’t found the courage to tell Sam. He didn’t know why he kept putting it off but every time he came by, it just felt _wrong_. He couldn’t say it, couldn’t get the words over his lips. Not even now, as they sat on his bed together; Gabriel was pretending to watch television while Sam studied. Not that he actually _knew_ which show was playing, he was too mesmerized by the way that Sam’s hair framed his face.

“I know you aren’t watching Doctor Sexy, Gabe,” Sam sighed, closing his book. “You’ve been biting your nails for at least ten minutes.” He sat up, pulling his legs up and his arms around them. “What’s wrong?”

“I am…”

“If you say ‘fine’. I know you’re not.” Sam cut him short. “You just got out of the hospital, you can’t be fine. What did the doctor say Gabe?”

“I’ve got a few weeks,” he admitted. “They don’t think I’ll survive much longer than that. The cancer is spreading further and further. I didn’t know how to tell you before.” And his arms were around him, pulling him closer to the other man as he started sobbing. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Sam whispered, “don’t be sorry.” His voice wavered. “Don’t you dare be sorry. None of if this is your fault.” A gentle hand lifted Gabriel’s face, forcing him to look at him. “You had no choice in this. It’s not like you woke up one morning and decided ‘ _hey, let’s have cancer’_.” Sam’s eyes were rimmed with dark red, tears in the corners of his eyes. “You didn’t choose to die you doofus.”

“I should have told you.”

They remained silent for the rest of the night, Gabriel waking up curled around Sam like an octopus. Sam was warm and comfortable, he felt _safe_. It was probably the most pleasant way that he’d woken up in quite a while. He fell asleep only a few minutes after waking up, somehow still exhausted.

Sam woke up an hour before Gabriel did. He just lay there for a little while, watching the steady rising of his chest. It was calming, comforting. Before getting to know Gabriel, he’d never thought just missing somebody or caring for somebody could hurt this much, could make your heart _clench._

Watching Gabriel in the hospital for the first time had been scary. What was scarier now was that it didn’t affect him, not the way that it used to. He got used to it, to seeing Gabriel hooked up to oxygen and monitors.

Sam remembered how they had met, quite silly really. Sam used to spend entire days on his computer and well, on Tumblr. He _knew_ that he was wasting his time with it, but it was stronger than himself. Then one day, he’d stumbled on Gabriel’s blog after somebody on his dash made a worried post about how he was doing. He had started sending him messages – on anon, because fourteen year old Sam was apparently shy – whenever it seemed like the other man needed a pick me up.

Only when Gabriel had somehow found out that it was Sam, had he started getting _inappropriate_ messages, true Gabe style. He didn’t know how things had somehow progressed into whatever they had going right now.

If he was honest, Sam didn’t know what he _wanted_ to have going on between them. There were days and moments, like this one, when all he wanted was to press his lips to Gabriel’s, but then, there were other moments, that he was just afraid, afraid of what would happen if he did.

He’d mess things up and he didn’t know if he could see that happen, if he could watch their friendship die.

Sam eventually got out the covers and slipped downstairs without waking up Gabe. Luke was sitting downstairs at the breakfast table, cup of coffee in front of him. 

“He told me.” It slipped over his lips before he could stop them. “That he’s getting worse.”

“He finally got the balls huh?” Luke was so much like Gabriel in every way, even though the two brothers refused to acknowledge that. “He should have told you a long time ago.”

“How bad is it?”

When he went back upstairs to wake Gabriel up for his meds, it was with a heart that was heavier than ever before. Luke had told him the details of what was going on, _knowing_ that Gabriel himself would never do that. The time that the two of them would have was so incredibly limited.

Sam kissed Gabriel for the very first time two weeks later. They spend three months together, just basking in their little bit of time they had. He wasn’t there when Gabriel eventually passed on, his body having shut down completely, but he knew that it was coming. The day before, at the hospital, he had seen it in his eyes, how tired he was, ready to go on.

Sam knew that it was his time. Gabriel’s body was tired and exhausted.

Sam never forgot Gabriel.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find this fic [on tumblr](http://buriedsam.tumblr.com/post/117322696181/even-when-im-gone) and [the angel's radio LJ](angels-radio.dreamwidth.org/2022.html).


End file.
